Wanting God to Write My Love Story

Recently, I had somewhat of a date. This young man had met me over an Internet dating site, but after meeting one time previous, I told him as kindly as I could that I wasn't interested in him romantically and perhaps we could stay in touch, but only as friends. I feel silly because this recent "date" probably sent mixed messages to him, but he kept asking to see me, and he said he just wanted to hear about my trip to China, so I thought that it was just going to be friends talking! Well, everyone knows the "friend" talk doesn't really work...so of course he still had feelings for me.

But here is the main problem I have with the whole situation: he would say things to me, like "you're gorgeous", "hey beautiful", or "I'm crazy about you". Now I ask you, what girl doesn't want to hear those things (especially those like me that get little attention like this)? But instead of making me blush, it just made me angry. This young man did not really know me, except for what is on online profiles and what he encountered on our one date. So it makes me angry because I feel that these are things that, although he may feel them, are not coming from the right part of him and instead feel like cheap words he was using to get something from me. I tried often not to respond when he said things like that. And it was clear on the "date" when he pushed physical boundaries by trying to hold my hand and waist that he wanted more than I had told him I would give. I'm just tired of the same thing over and over where a man only seems to want what he can get from me.

Now perhaps I am being too hard on him, and perhaps too harsh toward the male sex, but just for once I would like to be truly thought beautiful, but both inside and out. I want to be cherished for who I am deeply within. I haven't read all of Captivating by Stasi Eldridge because I felt like most of the things she said women crave I didn't really...like wanting to feel like a princess, or to be rescued, or to have security, or to feel beautiful, etc. I just want to be cared for at the deepest level of who I am, and to be cherished for my inner character. Is that too much to ask?

So here I am. I feel like this is not just my lament, but the lament wailed by many women my age that are single. And perhaps I have been lazy...there are many people who could say I could do more to try to catch the attention of a man. But I have little to no desire to make myself into someone I'm not.

Reading a recent article on the website Boundless, a Christian site for young adults, a young woman expressed similar feelings about being single. And I am about to express equal feelings: that I'm tired of waiting. I never bought a True Love Waits ring, but I agree with her that it uses God as a means to an end. "If I just wait on God, he will bring me a lover." Well, I'm not going to do that anymore. Jesus cherishes me for who I am deeply on the inside. I often forget it, but I'm going to keep trying to remind myself. Jesus is the only one who knows my deepest desires, who cares for me ardently.

I would love for God to bring me a companion. But I need to seek Jesus for all he is, because of HIM, not because of what I might get someday. How blind I've been in trying to write my own love story. I'm giving up and giving Him the pen. And I will seek Him as everything. I almost wrote "in the meantime", which shows how hard it is to wrap my mind around the fact that maybe there is no "meantime" but this is the only time! He really is everything and I have really wasted my time seeking other fulfillment.

"Jesus, be the center. Be my voice, be my song, Jesus. Jesus, be my vision. Be my source, be my light, Jesus. Be the fire in my heart. Be the wind in these sails. Be the reason that I live, Jesus."

letting go

NC visit

I got to go home his past weekend because I was in my friend Amanda's wedding. It was wonderful! Unfortunately I didn't really take many photos of the bride from my phone (which I'm writing from at the moment), but I have a couple other fun photos to post.

It was a good weekend, but definitely a whirlwind! I don't know if I would win a bridesmaid award, haha, because I didn't even get to stay with the bride and bridesmaids the night before the wedding because I offered to take my friend Stephon home (the two places were across town from eachother). And I didn't get to see my mom as much as I would have liked because of the wedding. But overall I enjoyed myself, because it was good to see family and high school friends.

Below are some photos from the wedding. We got these little fun foam mustaches to play with, hehe. The bride and groom didn't smoosh the cake in eachother's faces, so I think she was rejoicing over that. Sry for the somewhat poor photo quality.

photo love, china style

Ocean and Sun Rays

Ladies and Tree

Skipping Rope

From Above

Dockside

Fence Baby

Rest from the Rickshaw

What's for dinner?

A shared lunch

A dash of red on a dreary day

Photos courtesy of http://www.garlap.com

isaiah 43 and a new path

I have really not written in a long time, which is a shame! I think a lot has happened in my heart since last December.

This spring and summer, I have developed a new interest and passion: I want to go serve overseas in China teaching English. Of course, I want to discern this calling--I plan to wait and go next year. I have already started looking into a program to go with, and they have been very helpful and caring. I think that I have picked the right group. :)

At the beginning of the summer, I opened the Word to Isaiah 43, and broke out in spontaneous worship. I worshiped God because of who He is--a Mighty Redeemer, who gathers his children that have been scattered. He is ever-present, holding our hands as we pass through difficulty. He never leaves us. We are honored and precious in His sight. We are His witnesses--who else will tell those that are blind and deaf that they have a Healer, a Redeemer, a Lord?

My favorite part is this:

"Remember not the former things,
nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19

I am believing this to be true for me--later in the passage it says that Israel has not called upon the Lord, and we have made Him weary with our sins. I think this past year was not good, and I have made many mistakes. But for His own sake I think the Lord blots out my sin (v.25)--praise to the Lord Jesus! I pray that it is true that He is doing a new thing.

If anyone reads this, please pray for me that the Lord will be working anew in me this coming year. I want to go where He wants me to go, and if this idea to go to China is my own fabrication, let it be sooner rather than later that I let go of it, and pursue instead what He wants. But if it is from God, that I would pursue Him with all abandon and joyfully accept the calling He has put before me.

music i've enjoyed, as of late

there have been a few groups that i've liked lately, and i haven't posted music on my blog in quite a while!

i can't stop playing this song by The Tallest Man on Earth, "King of Spain". it's so fast and the guitar work is strummy and complicated, and his voice is grainy and Dylan-esque. i'm not a big Dylan fan or anything, but i'm impressed. check out his album: The Wild Hunt





another group, who has put their EP online for freeeez is Painted Palms. they have a really chill style. my favorite song is called "Water Hymn" but this one is pretty cool too: the title track "Canopy".





and the last group (that i've been hearing songs by them here and there all year) is Washed Out. check out this video:



i hope to see them when they come to Club Downunder in the spring!

grad photos with spence

michelle spencer is my roommate, and she just graduated this past saturday. she was kind enough to let me take some photos of her for a graduation present. these are the results!

michelle is such a jewel. i'm not sure i totally captured her bubbly personality...but she was a joy to work with. and above all, she is a huge blessing as a roommate. i cherish our friendship, and am so proud of her!