change: part II

Gosh, I'm not very good with this blog thing. Well, I never really got to finish my last post, so I think I'll try to do that. I think I'll also elaborate on some of the parts of the last post, as things have changed a tiny bit.

4. Heart. I'm not sure if my heart has changed all that much in regards to the Lord and how I am letting Him work in my life. But I definitely feel that I have a more clear understanding of how I wronged my friend and that I am totally unworthy of whatever friendship I hoped to have with her. I talked to people about the situation more than I should have, and, even though it wasn't out of spite (because I didn't go into details with everyone, and also I explained to people that she was justified in her actions), but rather out of trying to process things, I suppose part of it was done in a manner of attention-getting, which is immature. I definitely appreciate how people helped me process the wrongs I committed against her, but I understand that discussing it put her in a position of being embarrassed. Lord God, please forgive me for how I wronged her. I guess I feel like there were ways in which she could have handled the situation more maturely, but I see that I myself didn't handle everything in a mature manner. I was just hoping we could be cool, ya know? I just want everything to be cool...that we could all just be civil. I wanna talk more on this later, but for now, I'll focus on other matters of the heart. One thing that I have learned by being Dana's friend is that I shouldn't care so much what people think of me. And if people don't like me, that's their loss and they're not worth my time. I feel a lot more at peace...although still easily concerned with pleasing people, I think that when they're dissatisfied, I care less now than I would have before. Maybe I haven't changed all that much, but a tiny step in the right direction is still important for growth. I pray, though, that I can move toward learning about God and His Will...what that is supposed to look like in my life. I have a feeling that I am quite selfish in how I use my time, and that is something that He is probably going to have to show me how to change.

Notes on Civility: I just wanted to say that it really broad-sided me when my friend that I hurt, before she left for a mission trip, came and said hello to me at the Coffee Pub. I was sitting there talking to Katherine Hobby, outside at one of those tables. I knew she was inside, but when I went to get my coffee, I just didn't even acknowledge her. She was with a lady from church and the lady's recently newborn baby. I got my coffee and decided that sitting outside may be best for this sort of situation. I was having a lovely time with Kobby, and I figured that the friend would probably just walk through the building to the parking lot in the back. But she didn't. She came by our table, and as kind of a last-second decision, I gave a little wave goodbye when she noticed me. I almost immediately regretted the decision because I felt really awkward about it, but she came over and spoke. I was kind of amused because the first words out of her mouth were: "Hey. I haven't seen you in a while..." Um, yeah. Probably because we've been mutually avoiding one another, I thought. I replied something like, "Well, ya know, I've just been...runnin' around I guess." I had missed going to their spring break mission talk, even though I kinda wanted to go to support another friend who went on the trip...but I figured it may be too painful for me to sit in on that kind of thing, so I didn't go. We talked about that for a moment, and she said I should get together with the other girl for coffee or something. I agreed. She said, "Ya know I'm going on my mission trip in 12 days..." I said, "Yeah, that's right..." and we may have said something else. Basically, I ended saying, "Well, I definitely pray for you while you're down there." I don't remember if she thanked me or not, and she may have even said something like, "Good to see you," or something like that. I was so blind-sided that I said something to Kobby about it when she was gone. And Kobby said, "Anna, you're worthy." I'm almost positive that's what she said...I was hoping I'd never forget that. I did pray for her, with my whole heart. I hope it went well for her and that she made wonderful headway for God's Kingdom.

I think I'll need to make a new post to talk more about this summer and how I want to elaborate on #3: Friends.

change

I had written a post a week or so ago and i never finished it...i guess i didn't save the changes. Bummer.

Well, this summer has turned out to be pretty good. I had been disappointed because I had made all these plans to move to Orlando and the plans kinda backfired. But it just goes to show that God knows exactly what He's doing. I think I still have a long way to go before I'm where I need to be in my relationship with Him, but I think Orlando would have ended up being a bad move. For one thing, it probably would have been difficult to not rely on Kirstin for help getting adjusted and to have support when I'm feeling sad about missing my friends. I love Kirstin, but she's kinda all over the place (actually a lot like me, a bit scattered and running around having fun), so it'd be hard to nail her down to build a relationship with her and learn about cool places to hang out from her.

Ok, from this point, I'm going to list ways this summer has been different.

1) Living situation: I have been living with Lani and Renee Peck, and two guys, Jacob and Jason. Lani is a pastor, and he is really intense. He doesn't sugar-coat things, and just really puts the truth out there. He has a lot of experience and like, 30 years on me, and that most of the time proves to be very helpful. But I think it also hinders him (and not just him, but a lot of older people) in that they are set in their ways of viewing things and so put things in black or white categories when it's not always that simple. However, I believe he has a lot of good advice to give, and I need to take more of what he's said to heart. Lord, help me not to be so stubborn! But I just decided that I'll not be living there in the fall. I'm moving in with Jessica Cooksey and another girl I don't know, Natalie Huggins. They were both in the nursing program, so I would see them at HESI testing time, but I also know Jessica from Four Oaks. It's this really cute house that I've been to before (I think Meghan Dill lives there now) a couple years ago when Rachel Rust lived there. Jessica is a real sweetheart, and although the rent isn't very cheap, it'll be fun.

2) Job and activities. This summer, I've been able to do a lot of what I love in regards to music. For one thing (and probably the most exciting thing), I became a DJ for V89!! That is absolutely a dream come true. It's kinda crummy because I have to do the 2am-6am shift Thursday morning and stagger into work at 8am the same day. But it's totally worth it! I've also continued to volunteer with PR, so I've pretty much been to every jazz night this semester. And that has been especially wonderful, because I've danced my socks off with Dana De Greff at a couple of the jazz nights. Actually, my job hasn't really changed...but it may change at the end of July because Bonnie is retiring, and I think I will be moved to the back of the office to help Brian with Distance Learning. But Kelli said she would kick my ass if I was still working here when she got back to school in the fall...lol. Well, we'll see if I get a new job.

3) Friends. This summer's group of friends is very different from last summer, obviously (and unfortunately). But the group of friends that I have been spending time with is just as wonderful as what I had last summer. I've gotten to know people at Colleen Corner very well this past year, so I feel very blessed to be friends with them (Leah, Meredith, Christi, and until May, Lauren). I wish that I could've seen more of Kari, but she just recently left to study in Ireland. I've been getting to know Scott better, and hanging out with D1 at Campus View(Scott, Brian, Mike, and Josh) pretty often...I've also been hanging with Tim and Ana when I get the chance. The most recent and surprising addition to my friends has been Dana De Greff, who I think is so cool that I'm surprised she wants to be my friend! I knew her pretty well because of Lauren Stafford, but I had never really hung out with her on an individual basis. So we've been doing a few potlucks together, we went on a bike ride, danced at jazz night, and a few other things. This weekend we are taking a trip up to Asheville to go see Lauren! Dude, I'm sooo psyched because, a) I get to go on a road trip w Dana, b) I get to see Lauren, c) I get to see Chris, and d) I get to see Asheville (which I've never visited before)! I've done a few fun V89 things too, which have been great!

4) Heart.

squelching bitterness

So more drama has happened, and I think it is easy for me to wallow in self-pity and think about all the things that aren't working instead of being grateful for the things that are good. I think I will take a moment to thank God for the things that make me happy and the things that are good in my life.

Thank you, Most Merciful Father, for:

-a family that loves me
-living with the Pecks and having a second family
-Colleen Corner--all the lovely ladies that live there and love me
-dancing with Dana, Lauren, and Kirstin
-Krishna lunch
-the Coffee Pub
-being able to hang out with the scanners to do SPOT
-new friends
-InterVarsity Christian Fellowship
-Wednesday night cell group
-Monday night prayer group
-Four Oaks--music ministry, Sunday worship, fellowship group
-getting to play djembe for Kris Braun
-drinking tea with Kari and playing Rock Band with Josh and David
-good coffee and loose-leaf tea
-God's Word and wise people around me to help interpret it
-good officemates
-affectionate friends
-encouragers in my life: Becky, Leah, Carla, Scott, Tim, Ana, Steve, Karin, Claire, Emily
-fun banter with Steve on gmail chat
-people from which to glean spiritual wisdom: Lois, Scott, David, Maiken, Crispy (Christi), Leah, Paul Harlacher, Jacob, Lani, Renee, Chrissy, Carrie Campbell, Josh, Tim
-puns and Chrissy Brown's humor!
-friends who've sent me letters/postcards/emails
-people with a sweet spirit: Deni, Claire, Carrie Willis, Maiken, Meredith
-older friends that give me a more mature perspective on life
-MUSIC
-chocolate, especially gifts of chocolate
-a job that helps me pay the bills and covers medical expenses
-lots of positive influences in my life so that there's no need to focus on the negative ones
-the Landis ladies (despite the lack of contact)
-surprises
-acting crazy with Emily and Lauren

Lord, I could go on and on. Help me to have a heart that is thankful for the things You have given me, and take away the heart that is bitter about things You have taken away. I know that You work all things for the best because You love me. Lord give me moderation and self-control. Help me to love those things but to honor You above all. I praise You for making me the way I am, and I ask Your forgiveness for not always loving myself, which is Your creation. I praise You, Lord God. Amen.

Breakfast on the Road

Breakfast on the Road by Dr. Sandy Shugart

While I linger at the corner table
Savoring the last of the lukewarm coffee
Dark and sweet as the Miami night that
Only just surrendered to the morning
Feeling no great compulsion to any activity

My neighbor lands in a rush of readiness
Luggage, newspapers, all-American breakfast in hand
Half perched on the seat, ready to spring, at what signal?
He whips his oatmeal into alertness
Downs juice like a whiskey shot
Prowling the paper, shooting caffeine
Scanning the crowd, sizing up
The other predators
Stretching before the wilderness of work

Then he's gone
Almost before he could leave an impression
In the seat
Only crumbs and hastily paid bill remain
To track his passing

And I, still watching from my dish-cluttered blind
Eye the indifferent staff who wonder
When the table will turn

i'll never

i'll never make the mistake of posting something like that again.

picture posting

Ok, so I'm going to try something new. I'm going to post pictures on my blog and see how they turn out.

These are some of my favorite pictures. I didn't take them all--probably most of them are not mine. But I love them anyway.

Well, as I was testing it out, the first picture is of my brother at school at UNCG.

Hmm, that's interesting...it posted the second one down here. The picture on the right is of Chrissy Brown, drinking a tasty beverage somewhere in Colorado.

This picture here is one I actually took myself. The girl on the left is Lauren Stafford and the girl on the right is Kate Shugart. We were at Dandelion Café in Orlando, and they probably thought I was really weird for taking all these photos, but this is probably the best shot I've ever taken. There's a lot of love shown here.

This is a picture of me and my friend Ana at Chapter Camp. I just really like it because it really captures the joy in the moment and shows how much we love to dance!










This isn't the greatest quality picture, but it sure captures the essence of Fallon and Karissa. InterVarsity is the greatest, just so you know...I love it because everyone is a comedian!


This is a new friend of mine, Dana De Greff. She has her own style, and it makes her super cool. The person taking this picture called it "funky fresh". Good choice of description. This is at a Spoon concert we were at, and we danced like maniacs. Lauren and Lindsey were there, and we had the greatest time.


This one to the right here is of Debbie (back) and Amanda. These are two friends who I met my freshman year--Amanda in Marching Chiefs, and Deborah was her roommate. Our friend Mary took this. This picture really captures Debbie well, because she is always being teasingly provocative, and I love the way that the camera caught the double-take look that Amanda did. It shows a perfect profile of her face, which is neat.

Ok, so I didn't take this picture either (this is actually before I met her), but this is my friend Lois. I met her through Kate (who's actually in the background of this photo). She is such a great girl, very wise and caring. This captures well the happiness and joy that she gets out of life because she is a pretty cool gal.

This is the last picture I'll post for now. These are Jason and Morgan, two other people I met through Kate. This is a great shot because I like that they are a little bit out of focus. And this is the best setting for a picture for them, because they are all about nature and enjoying the outdoors.

broken

So it's amazing how different things can be after a few months. The Christian friends I was talking about at the beginning of this blog are still my friends, but not all of them. I mean, I still consider the one I'm having issues with my friend, but I'm not sure what she thinks. I basically screwed things up by getting too needy, too attached. And now she doesn't want to be around me. I am totally heartbroken.

I feel like I can change. I thought momentarily that things had gotten better. But I don't think my heart has changed yet, and she is right. I wish she weren't right. I wish that I had changed, that God is the center of my life and whether or not this relationship was working wouldn't matter. But I have a really difficult time thinking like that. I don't know if I can think outside of wanting this relationship to work! I want to not "care", just so I don't have to feel this way anymore. But it's like the total opposite pole of my identity--I care way too much and so not caring is something that does not come easily to me.

But I keep reminding myself of something that our mutual friend Lois said. She asked, "Are you willing to sacrifice this one relationship in order to glorify God to have healthy relationships?" And I thought about it momentarily, and said, "Yes." But am I really? I think I am. Not that it will be easy, but I do want to glorify God, and if I keep relating to her in this way I am not glorifying God. I want to think like God thinks, love like God loves. Lord, save me from my twisted self!