identity check

so i was walking and thinking at lunch today about identity because of a conversation i had with my friend yesterday. he was talking about how he is looking to date a Christian "woman", not a Christian "girl". just to clarify, we weren't having the conversation about our relationship--we're just friends. anyway, i wasn't offended, 1) because he wasn't talking about me, and 2) because I can see exactly what he means by the difference between a Christian woman and a Christian girl. i think there are ways in which i am a Christian woman, but in most ways i am still a Christian girl, and that disappoints me. there are a few things that i think shows a female Christian has moved from girl to woman, so lemme see if i can get a list going and put my thoughts in order.

what do i think a "woman of God" looks like?

1) identity in Christ
dude, i admit that i am soooo not there yet. first of all, i wanted to ask myself what exactly it means to have your identity in Christ. what comes to mind is having all of your life oriented toward Him. no matter what, you know where you can put your trust. if you're feeling upset about your shortcomings, you look to Christ and you see that He has overcome them. every time you have a decision to make, you bring it to Him. you have confidence in who you are because you are a child of God, and through Christ He has given you the Holy Spirit.

2) own Identity
i'm not sure if this is truly a trait that describes a Christian woman, but it seems to me that a reason that i'm not quite a Christian woman is the fact that i often put my identity in others. wow, that's really hard to put that out there. i so much want to love those that are in my life, and they influence what i do and how i am because i highly respect them. i think that they can have their identity in Christ and still have their own way of expressing themselves, and so that's how they have their own identity too. i know i will have great difficulty extricating myself from the people that influence me. i pray that you would help me grow, Lord Jesus, so that i can know what things i want to do because i want to do them and because you have called me to do them.

3) saturated in God's Word
i'm pretty far behind in this area, but the Lord is giving me a heart for His Word, and that is exciting.

4) constantly seeking the Lord in prayer
God, thank you for giving me more of a desire to pray. i feel especially encouraged by the missionaries that i receive updates from, because their prayer requests remind me to be in constant prayer, especially for those that don't know You. Lord, may it be that i'm reminded to pray without ceasing during the day about everything that i encounter.

5) Seeking accountability in discipleship
this is something i need to pray more about. i discussed it with cassidy, and am hoping to have someone from my fellowship group to be my mentor.

6) worshipful and pure heart
Lord Jesus, it is only through you that i can have righteousness and purity. thank you for the work that was done on the cross to make me pure before the Father. i need to live like you have purified my heart, because i still live with blackness in it. may your Spirit move me to repentance, that my heart may be regenerated and pure.

7) good work ethic
just going by what proverbs 31 is saying. there's a lot there with working with her hands. i think i need to make sure that i'm working my hardest and not "eat[ing] the bread of idleness".

8) opens arms to the poor
this is another area where i am so selfish and constantly worried about my own issues that i never put time and effort into helping the poor. Lord, change me! set my heart right! forgive my selfish tendencies and show me how to use my time for others, and i will do my best to do good for them (without grumbling, God-willing!).

my yesterdays are washed away

i haven't really been sure about the status of my faith, whether or not I've been following better, or if i'm just fooling myself. i feel like sometimes my heart and thought patterns are going back right to where they were before.

i've just had to pray a lot lately. i don't think there's anything wrong with that. i just wish that it wouldn't go back to how it was before, that i could get over everything and not think or act that way anymore. but i know that the Holy Spirit is working in me, but i just have to keep handing it over to Him.

the Comforter comforted me last night while i was walking and praying. i was just reminded that if i follow Him, i have nothing to worry about. i was self-pitying again, and despairing that i wouldn't have the entire trust of someone again. but this person has extended so much grace to me. why do insist on having more? so i'm just going to have to hand it over, and continue to learn that my life was fine without them before...why is it different now? instead, i should focus on trusting God and seeing where He is going to take me and how He will use me. He has His own story for me, and i'm sure it is a beautiful story if i will just let him tell it. i think i am always worried about other people's stories and not my own. Lord God, i pray for you to show me my story and read it to me so that i know where my life is going.

kate showed me this Christian singer-songwriter, Anna Vandas, who's very good. in some ways she sounds like most Christian songwriters, but i love her sound. it's folksy and sometimes poppy or jazzy. the words are often very poignant. "what is" is a great song, along with "lay down the load" and "a calm". i might even swing for it and buy it at the store...we'll see. i think it came out in 2005...where was i?? ha. well, here's a site that you can put songs in a player, otherwise you have to listen to the tracks one-by-one on her site.

http://www.reverbnation.com/annavandas

but, yeah, she just talks about laying down the loads of selfishness, self-pity and pride. and i love "what is" because it's kinda talking about injustice in the world, and we oftentimes just feel guilty or helpless to do anything. she doesn't really come up with a solution, except to think about whatever is pure and right, and to be holy in His sight...but maybe that IS what we're supposed to do, huh? strive for righteousness, and have a true relationship with God the Almighty who has sovereignty over these situations. HE is the only one who can help you make a difference and bring His Gospel and His Joy to the people who are suffering. God, i think You're teaching me more about Your heart. i'm listening.

around the well

I feel sad for not having discovered this amazing Iron & Wine song earlier. I don't know how my friends knew about it, except that maybe they had heard one of their concerts before or had found b-sides of this track before. It's definitely a b-side, and now it's part of a B-Sides and Rarities collection called "Around the Well" that came out this month. It's fantastic. I'll bet the rest of the 2-disc collection is a gem as well. The track is called "The Trapeze Swinger". Enjoy.

holy crap this is cute!

amigurumi patterns, "Knitted stuffed toys" in Japanese. This is for crocheting. Yay for crocheted forest animals!

http://www.sarahanns.com/crochetworks/animals.html

Music--Beirut

This is a song that is actually from a various artists disc compilation called Dark Was the Night and it was created to raise money and to create awareness for HIV/AIDS. I also really like Beirut's latest album, which is actually a 2-disc set (March of the Zapotec/Holland) with Zach Condon's 2 different music projects, Beirut and Realpeople. I think I prefer the Realpeople side, but I think I need to give the Beirut side more of a shot. The album was recorded in Oaxaca, Mexico with a mariachi band in tow. I'm not sure if this track was laid down at the same time as the other March of the Zapotec tracks, but this track definitely fits in more with the Beirut side. It starts with xylophone and accordion, and ends with a fantastic horn arrangement. It's called "Mimizan".

hand-mouth coordination, and word-heart coordination

i was just reading Joshua Hughes' blog. i have been thinking a lot today about my failures. and this blog kinda encouraged me. i have been feeling like my faith isn't where it should be, but i have been making some small changes, and hopefully it will start to soak into my heart and start changing me from the inside out. let me share his blog post with you:

Spiritual Disciplines and Gerber Puffs

Reagan, our eight month old, just started on solid foods recently. Her favorite things are Gerber puffs. If you are unfamiliar with these little wonders, they are like tiny cereal bites that dissolve quickly in baby mouths. They are small enough for her little uncoordinated fingers to pick up and eat.

She hasn’t quite gotten it down yet.

Last night I watched with rapt attention as time after time she took the puffs in her hand only to lose them between the high chair tray and her little mouth. Our dog enjoys this very much as she is the benefactor of Reagan’s many failed attempts.

In Luke 4 when Jesus is tempted by Satan after 40 days of fasting to turn stones into bread, he famously quotes Deuteronomy 8:3 “man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.” The word as food is a powerful illustration for obvious reasons. As the human body cannot be sustained without food, so the Christian soul cannot be sustained without God’s word.

The Bible is to be treasured, consumed and sought after like the very food that keeps us alive. But sometimes it’s just not so simple. Certainly, there are seasons when I do take in the word as easily and consistently as I do my daily bread. But sometimes, I am like my sweet little Reagan, struggling to put hand to mouth, battling my inability to achieve what I desire, laboring to obtain my reward.

In those times when it’s difficult, I want to be encouraged by my daughters example. Reagan is not deterred by her failures; she keeps at it until the tray is empty and every puff is either in her mouth or on the floor. And every time she does it, there are a few less puffs on the carpet (much to the dog’s chagrin). She is getting better. Eating solids is becoming more of a lifestyle for her. And so it is for us as God’s children; the more we discipline ourselves to fight through the discouragement, to talk to ourselves more than we listen to ourselves, the more Scripture comes alive to us as fewer and fewer of God’s words end up on the carpet next to us, but rather find their way into our souls…

...Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O Lord, God of hosts.
Jeremiah 15:16

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i think my favorite part is when he is talking about God's word and how after we keep trying and trying again, it will stop falling by the wayside and start making it's way into our hearts. praise be to God for that! i'm so thankful for how He's given me a heart that is seeking His word more and more. Lord, let me not be satisfied with mediocrity, but let me move toward You, so that You might move the veil and reveal more of Yourself to me.

Shannon Leaves this Friday, After His Paycheck Clears

This is a poem that my friend Meredith wrote. She sent me an email with 4 poems, and this was my favorite.

Shannon Leaves this Friday, After His Paycheck Clears

Vinegar washes pretty much everything out of everything
blood and sweat —all such acids made base
It takes the black out of black
and the yellow out of white
leaving the laundry soft, clean and gray
Some men are sweaty black jack jockeys
who insist on the low ceiling, the twilight dark
on the rooms filled with saucy old women smoking
and taking the hit over and over
winning and losing
both so hard and so good
Tupperware is pretty much proof of chaos
all these containers of petty, rotting things
Saved for hope of saving time, or keeping
Things which can’t be kept
refusing to be stacked or have their corners cleaned
Some men enjoy women like new boxes of crayons,
so pretty in their profusion and all their fresh tips
They are spilling all the time
hair out of clasps, breasts out of dresses, gasps out of lungs
their wrappers unraveling
then one is naked, finally
her tips blunting
Eggs are meant to cook lickety-split
The clear the white and the yellow
Fluffing on impact
To the butter and intense heat
Sometimes the steam smells like the coup
Shit, loam, wet feathers
That farm smell that gets stuck in the grooves of your boots
Some men wake up in empty beds
worrying that they are waking her, as they toss
her hair is on the pillow, brown with fading highlights
and remains still when he turns the alarm off, over and over
except she isn’t there