So my friend Kate just got back from a mission trip in Oaxaca. God moved so much in her life...I kinda get misty just thinking about it. She said it was one of the best experiences of her life. She said that for perhaps the first time in her life, she really wants to seek God's will and live it out in her life. Although she was a Christian, I don't know if she's ever thought about truly living out God's will before. She said she prayed to God, probably more than she's ever prayed before, and she really felt like God was listening and responding. She said she finally asked Him what she should do after graduation in the spring, and she didn't think she had asked Him before. She said she doesn't know what she's going to do after graduation, but she said she felt like He was saying, "Keep asking." She had never really thought of the possibility of doing missions work after graduation, but now it's something she's praying about. And, best of all, she feels like a totally different person now. I loved Kate before, but I think her obedience to God's will should make her an even more lovable person. And that's when the conviction came.
I want that to be me. I haven't been very obedient to God lately. I think one evidence of me straying from God's will is my cursing a lot. I think I want that to change because I used to believe that it really hurt God's heart, and I don't know what made me change my mind about that. Also, there are other things that I think I've been doing that have been hurting God's heart. Although I don't really think people care to read this, I won't go into detail because I'm afraid to...but I have been going back to some old ways. I am going back to being a me that I didn't like. I am frustrated because I think I am doing it because I can't have someone else. Which is a whole other problem. I'm starting to love someone I can't love, someone who could never love me in the way I love them. But I do this all the time. I just have to make sure that I don't get hurt. I always get to the point where I would do anything for them, but they don't love me like that, so they wouldn't do the same. They do love me, but just not to the same magnitude. I just keep wondering what the heck I'm going to do with myself! I always end up in the same situation--I'm in a holding pattern.
Kate said that God told her He was going to break her heart. He's going to break my heart again, too. The last time I got in the holding pattern, my heart ached and I was almost despairing over the feelings I felt. If that happens to me again, I'll just want to curl up and die. I feel like I should start to distance myself a bit from this person, just so I don't get to the breaking point again.
God, I do want to do your will. I'm afraid to ask you to break my heart, because I know what that was like and it hurt so bad. I'm seeking others for comfort still, and I know that. God, help me to seek you. I want to be your daughter. Obedient daughter. Capture my heart. Make me new. I remember the vision I had of you, Jesus--you want me to be your bride. Wash me clean, Lord Jesus. What am I doing, spending all my time with people and not you? Will they be there with me when I have to stand before you? No. It will just be you and me. Right now, that thought is terrifying, when it should be glorious. Jesus, I want to make sure I'm being good to people, good to my body, good to the earth, because YOU want me to. Not because the people I love are that way. But I don't know how to BE. I have never been any other way. I think I am sincere in my love for people. But I want to do a better job because of how I love YOU. If I love You, then loving others will come so much more naturally. Change me. Mold me. Conform me to your will. Do I really have an identity in You? Or do I seek my identity in others? I want my identity to be in You, Christ. I talked about Joe not bowing, but what about me? Do I bow? Show me how to be like You, Lord Jesus.
