this morning i got to come in late to work. so i went to the Redeye to have some coffee and read the Word and work on the baby blanket i'm making for Karin.
there's so much to say. i thought about a lot of things this morning. i read Ezekiel 44, which talks about God's glory returning to the temple, and how the Levites weren't doing what they were supposed to do by ministering to the people and handling the sacrifices. So God makes them do these things, and lets only one family, the sons of Zadok, come near to Him and offer him the sacrifices and minister to Him. God was also mad b/c they let foreigners into the temple who were uncircumcised of heart and flesh. it was an interesting passage b/c it shows that God only wants those to come near to Him who had been following His will the entire time, that respect His holy place. i was thinking about how i would like to make sure that i have a circumcised heart, one that shows that I am His, and He is mine. i really liked that at the end it said "and this shall be their inheritance: I am their inheritance". :)
another thing that was on my mind, which i wish wasn't, was about the hurtful things that someone said to me in the past. i remember distinctly that she said, "i haven't said anything unkind to you." unfortunately, i can't really argue with that. however it was the way she said things, with utter disdain or contempt...i could just tell that there was something in her heart that cut me. however, i know that another friend of mine says that i'm really touchy, so i may have just been imagining things sometimes. but i think she knew how she felt against me in her heart, and it came out in the sharpness of her tongue. but, ya know, i have FORGIVEN her! why does this stuff still come back to my mind? Lord, i want to be free of these painful thoughts that remind me of the ways that we interacted in the past. she has forgiven me, and i have forgiven her--i set her free of being responsible for the things she said to me and the way she said them. i have also had angry times against a dude who knew about the situation and spoke into my life with an authority that was not responsible or called for. i understand he was being protective, but it was hurtful and accusatory somewhat. however, he did say some things that i have taken to heart, like--"you can't just do that to someone and expect not to reap what you sow." i'm not sure how fair that was, but i believe he had a real point. so i want to make sure that i sow in righteousness from now on. i set him free from the hurtful things he said to me, and i ask forgiveness for doing at least some of the things he brought out into the light.
another set of thoughts that are kinda hard for me to think about are those about dating. megan sent our cell group an article about dating that is secular in nature, but it's actually pretty good because she dates all these dudes and then learns more about herself. here's the link:
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprahmatch.aspx?cp-documentid=18651861
i say it's hard for me because i am unfortunately not very self-aware. it makes me happy that Tim when i was graduating from school said some nice things about me--like i'm at least realizing where things aren't right, and then try to do something about it. so maybe i'm initially not very self-aware but i try to look at myself to re-evaluate sometimes. and i guess everyone does that. but anyway! i'm thinking that i must send off some sort of signal to guys that makes them not want to pursue me. believe it or not, i was sorta thinking that a line from that movie The Wedding Date was correct (at least to some degree): "Women have the love life that they want, whether or not they believe it." basically, that when a girl is ready, then she will make herself available to be loved. hmm. i guess i half believe that. i don't really dress to attract a man. i feel like i have a lot of things working against me. and, in addition to these physical attributes working against me, i have some baggage. one thing about the article that particularly struck me was her sense of boundary issues. that's what's hardest for me: setting boundaries. but also, i let Rocky walk all over me (although i'm sure i hurt him too) because i don't feel very worthy to be liked. so i'm not sure. a lot of times i think i leave these feelings at the door, and don't deal with them. but i need to deal with them. why don't i feel worthy? people have long told me that i am worthy, but i don't know how to believe it. i've been doing better about working out, and so i think that once i have a better body image, i can start feeling better. but maybe not--maybe i have to get with the program and start believing that i AM worthy, whatever i look like. i think men really dig confidence. am i confident? far from it. where do i work these things out? probably just by doing my best to meet with Jesus, to find out that my worthiness comes from Him. everything else is just a bonus.
ahh, ok. hopefully it won't be a whole month again before i write on here. peace~
