Recently, I had somewhat of a date. This young man had met me over an Internet dating site, but after meeting one time previous, I told him as kindly as I could that I wasn't interested in him romantically and perhaps we could stay in touch, but only as friends. I feel silly because this recent "date" probably sent mixed messages to him, but he kept asking to see me, and he said he just wanted to hear about my trip to China, so I thought that it was just going to be friends talking! Well, everyone knows the "friend" talk doesn't really work...so of course he still had feelings for me.
But here is the main problem I have with the whole situation: he would say things to me, like "you're gorgeous", "hey beautiful", or "I'm crazy about you". Now I ask you, what girl doesn't want to hear those things (especially those like me that get little attention like this)? But instead of making me blush, it just made me angry. This young man did not really know me, except for what is on online profiles and what he encountered on our one date. So it makes me angry because I feel that these are things that, although he may feel them, are not coming from the right part of him and instead feel like cheap words he was using to get something from me. I tried often not to respond when he said things like that. And it was clear on the "date" when he pushed physical boundaries by trying to hold my hand and waist that he wanted more than I had told him I would give. I'm just tired of the same thing over and over where a man only seems to want what he can get from me.
Now perhaps I am being too hard on him, and perhaps too harsh toward the male sex, but just for once I would like to be truly thought beautiful, but both inside and out. I want to be cherished for who I am deeply within. I haven't read all of Captivating by Stasi Eldridge because I felt like most of the things she said women crave I didn't really...like wanting to feel like a princess, or to be rescued, or to have security, or to feel beautiful, etc. I just want to be cared for at the deepest level of who I am, and to be cherished for my inner character. Is that too much to ask?
So here I am. I feel like this is not just my lament, but the lament wailed by many women my age that are single. And perhaps I have been lazy...there are many people who could say I could do more to try to catch the attention of a man. But I have little to no desire to make myself into someone I'm not.
Reading a recent article on the website Boundless, a Christian site for young adults, a young woman expressed similar feelings about being single. And I am about to express equal feelings: that I'm tired of waiting. I never bought a True Love Waits ring, but I agree with her that it uses God as a means to an end. "If I just wait on God, he will bring me a lover." Well, I'm not going to do that anymore. Jesus cherishes me for who I am deeply on the inside. I often forget it, but I'm going to keep trying to remind myself. Jesus is the only one who knows my deepest desires, who cares for me ardently.
I would love for God to bring me a companion. But I need to seek Jesus for all he is, because of HIM, not because of what I might get someday. How blind I've been in trying to write my own love story. I'm giving up and giving Him the pen. And I will seek Him as everything. I almost wrote "in the meantime", which shows how hard it is to wrap my mind around the fact that maybe there is no "meantime" but this is the only time! He really is everything and I have really wasted my time seeking other fulfillment.
"Jesus, be the center. Be my voice, be my song, Jesus. Jesus, be my vision. Be my source, be my light, Jesus. Be the fire in my heart. Be the wind in these sails. Be the reason that I live, Jesus."
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