coffee and complicated thoughts

this morning i got to come in late to work. so i went to the Redeye to have some coffee and read the Word and work on the baby blanket i'm making for Karin.

there's so much to say. i thought about a lot of things this morning. i read Ezekiel 44, which talks about God's glory returning to the temple, and how the Levites weren't doing what they were supposed to do by ministering to the people and handling the sacrifices. So God makes them do these things, and lets only one family, the sons of Zadok, come near to Him and offer him the sacrifices and minister to Him. God was also mad b/c they let foreigners into the temple who were uncircumcised of heart and flesh. it was an interesting passage b/c it shows that God only wants those to come near to Him who had been following His will the entire time, that respect His holy place. i was thinking about how i would like to make sure that i have a circumcised heart, one that shows that I am His, and He is mine. i really liked that at the end it said "and this shall be their inheritance: I am their inheritance". :)

another thing that was on my mind, which i wish wasn't, was about the hurtful things that someone said to me in the past. i remember distinctly that she said, "i haven't said anything unkind to you." unfortunately, i can't really argue with that. however it was the way she said things, with utter disdain or contempt...i could just tell that there was something in her heart that cut me. however, i know that another friend of mine says that i'm really touchy, so i may have just been imagining things sometimes. but i think she knew how she felt against me in her heart, and it came out in the sharpness of her tongue. but, ya know, i have FORGIVEN her! why does this stuff still come back to my mind? Lord, i want to be free of these painful thoughts that remind me of the ways that we interacted in the past. she has forgiven me, and i have forgiven her--i set her free of being responsible for the things she said to me and the way she said them. i have also had angry times against a dude who knew about the situation and spoke into my life with an authority that was not responsible or called for. i understand he was being protective, but it was hurtful and accusatory somewhat. however, he did say some things that i have taken to heart, like--"you can't just do that to someone and expect not to reap what you sow." i'm not sure how fair that was, but i believe he had a real point. so i want to make sure that i sow in righteousness from now on. i set him free from the hurtful things he said to me, and i ask forgiveness for doing at least some of the things he brought out into the light.

another set of thoughts that are kinda hard for me to think about are those about dating. megan sent our cell group an article about dating that is secular in nature, but it's actually pretty good because she dates all these dudes and then learns more about herself. here's the link:

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprahmatch.aspx?cp-documentid=18651861

i say it's hard for me because i am unfortunately not very self-aware. it makes me happy that Tim when i was graduating from school said some nice things about me--like i'm at least realizing where things aren't right, and then try to do something about it. so maybe i'm initially not very self-aware but i try to look at myself to re-evaluate sometimes. and i guess everyone does that. but anyway! i'm thinking that i must send off some sort of signal to guys that makes them not want to pursue me. believe it or not, i was sorta thinking that a line from that movie The Wedding Date was correct (at least to some degree): "Women have the love life that they want, whether or not they believe it." basically, that when a girl is ready, then she will make herself available to be loved. hmm. i guess i half believe that. i don't really dress to attract a man. i feel like i have a lot of things working against me. and, in addition to these physical attributes working against me, i have some baggage. one thing about the article that particularly struck me was her sense of boundary issues. that's what's hardest for me: setting boundaries. but also, i let Rocky walk all over me (although i'm sure i hurt him too) because i don't feel very worthy to be liked. so i'm not sure. a lot of times i think i leave these feelings at the door, and don't deal with them. but i need to deal with them. why don't i feel worthy? people have long told me that i am worthy, but i don't know how to believe it. i've been doing better about working out, and so i think that once i have a better body image, i can start feeling better. but maybe not--maybe i have to get with the program and start believing that i AM worthy, whatever i look like. i think men really dig confidence. am i confident? far from it. where do i work these things out? probably just by doing my best to meet with Jesus, to find out that my worthiness comes from Him. everything else is just a bonus.

ahh, ok. hopefully it won't be a whole month again before i write on here. peace~

wow it's february

actually, today is valentine's day. i'm not really too upset about it being valentine's and not having a boyfriend. it's just another day, and it's frustrating to have this society that tries to sell us all this junk that's supposed to represent love for your loved one. how is a gigantic stuffed gorilla supposed to express your love? haha

anyway, this year has been going pretty well so far. i really like the human rights literature class that i'm taking right now, although i'm not enrolled officially in the class. it's taught by ray ruggiero, and he is super cool. i might actually individually study something i'm interested in personally (although all the stuff i'm learning in class is pretty fascinating): human trafficking. the sex trafficking part of human trafficking seems to be a popular point of activism among christians right now, but i think i might focus on labor trafficking instead. i think sex trafficking is particularly horrible, but i also think that we may brush over labor trafficking more easily because we buy things from places that use sweatshop labor...and so we may be unwilling to pay the higher prices for these people to live decent lives. it almost seems hopeless, because as a christian i know that most companies aren't living under our standards, and so i guess i'm a bit cynical. i think that part of the problem is the company's desire to receive as much money as possible, so their profits are certainly not going to decrease if they decide to give fair wages to their workers. nonono...the consumer is going to pay for that. ok, yeah, so a bit of cynicism there...and maybe i'm pretty naive about how the economy and business works, but whatever. i'm probably not that far off.

probably the best thing to do is pray. Lord, i want to learn more about this, and perhaps learn how i can make a difference. again, once i know, how can i NOT change? Lord, i thank you for putting this on my heart, and i ask that you keep me from shying away from what it would mean in sacrifice. Lord, give me the desire to seek in Your word Your promises about these things, and remind myself of how much You desire justice and mercy. amen.

Come, Lord Jesus

lord Jesus, i confess that this has been difficult. i just don't know how to be. i want to be able to love this person like i'm supposed to, but instead i'm struggling not to be stuck in my old thought patterns and desires. i confess that i still care deeply, but am sometimes confused because i wonder if it is the real person i care about, or a made-up version in my head? i just want to be able to do things for this person that i would do for others, but everything i do is laced with extra meaning and intent--or at least it is perceived so. i'm always so worried about not appearing to be a certain way to others, the ones who know about the situation. i'm frustrated that they know, but i don't know how else i will heal. lord, forgive me for being frustrated.

lord, instead i just release it. i give it up to you. i want to be different and whole and beautiful and not trapped in this old self. i know that instead of focusing on this problem, i should be focusing on my relationship with you. i believe that is getting better, but it is always a daily struggle. i thank you for what you have done in my heart. i think you have made a lot of progress in me--and i pray that i wouldn't be working to will my way into submission, but rather your grace and mercy would ravish me. come, Lord Jesus, and make my will Your will.

i just read some of Erik's blog from Four Oaks about an awkward situation about someone he ran into that left the church. they never really resolved their differences, but Erik was imagining seeing this person in heaven, at the banquet table. they would most likely be the closest of friends, singing hymns together of praise. when he saw this man, he was reading his Bible. so was Erik. how he wished to run up to his brother and greet him with a holy kiss saying, "all is behind us brother!" and he would reply the same. but Erik just left the same way he came. how difficult it is to know when and how to be reconciled! i thank you that there was grace enough to try for reconciling me to this other person. Erik ended his blog with this scripture, that gives me hope:

"Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart." 1 Peter 1:22

Amen, Lord Jesus, let it be so!

a poem by keith

although this wasn't to me (maybe it wasn't to anyone), but posted on someone's facebook wall, I liked it and wanted to keep it here.

My dear bicycling sister, where are the keys to the kingdom?
In the pumpernickel bread under the hamster cage,
or where the window grows dusty at the end of a chilly,
wool scarfened day? I lost them a few days ago, but here they are!
The snow jaguar has secrets in his shoulder blades
and the kingdom of heaven is within your shoe. And the place
where you felt the sky was split in two by storm and green
and the lighthouse was divided. Was there a manatee in your dancing
when the world was young? A face looking through the slow of the day?
I think peace is a thing to say when a old song is sung again.
When we forget holiday decorations of the communist party
to identify with the old wrinkled woman loving Jesus with her hands
around a dying man who thinks his soul once belonged to Leonard
Cohen or even the lead singer of The national when he sang in
the middle of the crowd; a picture of Jesus? Is it heretical to see
a lover in the faces of strangers walking across Landis Green?
I miss the sense of time measured in potlucks and the spaces between.

once you know, how can you NOT change?

i recently wrote a note on facebook that was long and in depth about things that are on my heart. there are a lot of ways since last year that i've been shown a different way of living life. it has fascinated me, and i want to get moving and try to do some of those things. i already have in some ways, but i need to stop being lazy.

i've been taking a human rights class. it's pretty heavy, but i think it's necessary to be educated in these things. not just for the sake of education, but perhaps to help keep history from repeating itself. so that's one thing i've been interested in educating myself more about: human rights.

since last year, i have learned a lot about food and seed companies and cows...it's all pretty tricky with food politics. really, a diet that would have the least impact on the earth and that does not give so much money to corporate doodie heads is a vegetarian diet. this would be very difficult for me to change in my life. 1) i really like food, 2) i really like eating out, which makes it harder for vegetarians, and 3) i like meat. so, i think i would like to read more about food politics and change my diet as a result. need to read: diet for a small planet; animal, vegetable, miracle; books on gardening.

i've learned a lot about our effect on the environment. as a result, i have learned about natural cleaners, and have been using them. i also use organic soaps. however, i need to learn how to put ingredients together to make a natural scrub, with baking soda. i was also going to experiment with making a laundry detergent. need to make: scrub, laundry detergent. need to inform people (and get more informed) about the dangers of using regular cleaners and soaps. also, besides cleaners, i need to be more educated about alternate forms of transportation besides driving a car. i know a little about fixing my bike, but not much. i also know little about taking good routes to get from one place to another, so I should look them up. then, the final step is to not be so lazy and BIKE the route.

i've been educating myself on politics and how Jesus would look at things. there are a lot of things i want to learn more about, and i would also like to learn more about ways i can help. want to learn about: darfur, child soldiers (read A Long Way Gone), abortion, human trafficking, sweatshop workers, coffee farmers.

i just want to read a lot more, period! so much to learn and read. i learned how to knit this week. i want to eventually learn how to sew. it'd be cool to make my own stuff.

more on this later.

a new day

wow. God is faithful.

so, as it turns out, not only was God working on bitterness in my heart, but He was doing the same for my friend. for a while now, she has been coming to the cell group that i had been a part of for the last year or so. at first, it gave me a bit of anxiety, because i thought that she more or less despised me (perhaps with good reason). she showed up at the group, and i thought she wouldn't return (because as it turned out, it was a miscommunication on our leaders' part, inviting her and forgetting that i would be there, and that we had issues with each other). i was unsure what to feel in my own heart, and i wavered back-and-forth between wanting her to be there and also not wanting her there because of the distractedness, pain, and anxiety her presence caused. the next tuesday, she didn't return--and i'll admit i was a bit relieved. the tuesday after that she returned again, and i determined in my heart that i was not going to keep her from coming (because the leader said i had been coming first, so he would ask her to not come if i was uncomfortable). for a couple weeks, the comfort level started to rise between us, although i still knew (and know) that a safe distance was needed. a few tuesdays ago, we finally apologized to one another, with her initiating. it was a wonderful thing, to get to say the things i was sorry for that i didn't get to before, and hearing the words from her lips that i'd never thought i'd hear. one thing that had been hurting my heart was that we needed to be united in the Body of Christ; that we are indeed sisters in the Body of Christ. we totally agreed on that point, that even if we can't be friends, we can at least be united to do something good for God's kingdom. perhaps i am still undeserving of her apology, of this grace i've received from her. for that i am grateful, and this grace could have only been bestowed on me through her by God. i need to be careful about my actions and desires. Lord, please guide me and help me produce trustworthy fruit. don't let me get distracted by her presence at cell group. help us to build one another up to Your glory, Lord Jesus. Amen.

change: part II

Gosh, I'm not very good with this blog thing. Well, I never really got to finish my last post, so I think I'll try to do that. I think I'll also elaborate on some of the parts of the last post, as things have changed a tiny bit.

4. Heart. I'm not sure if my heart has changed all that much in regards to the Lord and how I am letting Him work in my life. But I definitely feel that I have a more clear understanding of how I wronged my friend and that I am totally unworthy of whatever friendship I hoped to have with her. I talked to people about the situation more than I should have, and, even though it wasn't out of spite (because I didn't go into details with everyone, and also I explained to people that she was justified in her actions), but rather out of trying to process things, I suppose part of it was done in a manner of attention-getting, which is immature. I definitely appreciate how people helped me process the wrongs I committed against her, but I understand that discussing it put her in a position of being embarrassed. Lord God, please forgive me for how I wronged her. I guess I feel like there were ways in which she could have handled the situation more maturely, but I see that I myself didn't handle everything in a mature manner. I was just hoping we could be cool, ya know? I just want everything to be cool...that we could all just be civil. I wanna talk more on this later, but for now, I'll focus on other matters of the heart. One thing that I have learned by being Dana's friend is that I shouldn't care so much what people think of me. And if people don't like me, that's their loss and they're not worth my time. I feel a lot more at peace...although still easily concerned with pleasing people, I think that when they're dissatisfied, I care less now than I would have before. Maybe I haven't changed all that much, but a tiny step in the right direction is still important for growth. I pray, though, that I can move toward learning about God and His Will...what that is supposed to look like in my life. I have a feeling that I am quite selfish in how I use my time, and that is something that He is probably going to have to show me how to change.

Notes on Civility: I just wanted to say that it really broad-sided me when my friend that I hurt, before she left for a mission trip, came and said hello to me at the Coffee Pub. I was sitting there talking to Katherine Hobby, outside at one of those tables. I knew she was inside, but when I went to get my coffee, I just didn't even acknowledge her. She was with a lady from church and the lady's recently newborn baby. I got my coffee and decided that sitting outside may be best for this sort of situation. I was having a lovely time with Kobby, and I figured that the friend would probably just walk through the building to the parking lot in the back. But she didn't. She came by our table, and as kind of a last-second decision, I gave a little wave goodbye when she noticed me. I almost immediately regretted the decision because I felt really awkward about it, but she came over and spoke. I was kind of amused because the first words out of her mouth were: "Hey. I haven't seen you in a while..." Um, yeah. Probably because we've been mutually avoiding one another, I thought. I replied something like, "Well, ya know, I've just been...runnin' around I guess." I had missed going to their spring break mission talk, even though I kinda wanted to go to support another friend who went on the trip...but I figured it may be too painful for me to sit in on that kind of thing, so I didn't go. We talked about that for a moment, and she said I should get together with the other girl for coffee or something. I agreed. She said, "Ya know I'm going on my mission trip in 12 days..." I said, "Yeah, that's right..." and we may have said something else. Basically, I ended saying, "Well, I definitely pray for you while you're down there." I don't remember if she thanked me or not, and she may have even said something like, "Good to see you," or something like that. I was so blind-sided that I said something to Kobby about it when she was gone. And Kobby said, "Anna, you're worthy." I'm almost positive that's what she said...I was hoping I'd never forget that. I did pray for her, with my whole heart. I hope it went well for her and that she made wonderful headway for God's Kingdom.

I think I'll need to make a new post to talk more about this summer and how I want to elaborate on #3: Friends.