my yesterdays are washed away

i haven't really been sure about the status of my faith, whether or not I've been following better, or if i'm just fooling myself. i feel like sometimes my heart and thought patterns are going back right to where they were before.

i've just had to pray a lot lately. i don't think there's anything wrong with that. i just wish that it wouldn't go back to how it was before, that i could get over everything and not think or act that way anymore. but i know that the Holy Spirit is working in me, but i just have to keep handing it over to Him.

the Comforter comforted me last night while i was walking and praying. i was just reminded that if i follow Him, i have nothing to worry about. i was self-pitying again, and despairing that i wouldn't have the entire trust of someone again. but this person has extended so much grace to me. why do insist on having more? so i'm just going to have to hand it over, and continue to learn that my life was fine without them before...why is it different now? instead, i should focus on trusting God and seeing where He is going to take me and how He will use me. He has His own story for me, and i'm sure it is a beautiful story if i will just let him tell it. i think i am always worried about other people's stories and not my own. Lord God, i pray for you to show me my story and read it to me so that i know where my life is going.

kate showed me this Christian singer-songwriter, Anna Vandas, who's very good. in some ways she sounds like most Christian songwriters, but i love her sound. it's folksy and sometimes poppy or jazzy. the words are often very poignant. "what is" is a great song, along with "lay down the load" and "a calm". i might even swing for it and buy it at the store...we'll see. i think it came out in 2005...where was i?? ha. well, here's a site that you can put songs in a player, otherwise you have to listen to the tracks one-by-one on her site.

http://www.reverbnation.com/annavandas

but, yeah, she just talks about laying down the loads of selfishness, self-pity and pride. and i love "what is" because it's kinda talking about injustice in the world, and we oftentimes just feel guilty or helpless to do anything. she doesn't really come up with a solution, except to think about whatever is pure and right, and to be holy in His sight...but maybe that IS what we're supposed to do, huh? strive for righteousness, and have a true relationship with God the Almighty who has sovereignty over these situations. HE is the only one who can help you make a difference and bring His Gospel and His Joy to the people who are suffering. God, i think You're teaching me more about Your heart. i'm listening.