change

I had written a post a week or so ago and i never finished it...i guess i didn't save the changes. Bummer.

Well, this summer has turned out to be pretty good. I had been disappointed because I had made all these plans to move to Orlando and the plans kinda backfired. But it just goes to show that God knows exactly what He's doing. I think I still have a long way to go before I'm where I need to be in my relationship with Him, but I think Orlando would have ended up being a bad move. For one thing, it probably would have been difficult to not rely on Kirstin for help getting adjusted and to have support when I'm feeling sad about missing my friends. I love Kirstin, but she's kinda all over the place (actually a lot like me, a bit scattered and running around having fun), so it'd be hard to nail her down to build a relationship with her and learn about cool places to hang out from her.

Ok, from this point, I'm going to list ways this summer has been different.

1) Living situation: I have been living with Lani and Renee Peck, and two guys, Jacob and Jason. Lani is a pastor, and he is really intense. He doesn't sugar-coat things, and just really puts the truth out there. He has a lot of experience and like, 30 years on me, and that most of the time proves to be very helpful. But I think it also hinders him (and not just him, but a lot of older people) in that they are set in their ways of viewing things and so put things in black or white categories when it's not always that simple. However, I believe he has a lot of good advice to give, and I need to take more of what he's said to heart. Lord, help me not to be so stubborn! But I just decided that I'll not be living there in the fall. I'm moving in with Jessica Cooksey and another girl I don't know, Natalie Huggins. They were both in the nursing program, so I would see them at HESI testing time, but I also know Jessica from Four Oaks. It's this really cute house that I've been to before (I think Meghan Dill lives there now) a couple years ago when Rachel Rust lived there. Jessica is a real sweetheart, and although the rent isn't very cheap, it'll be fun.

2) Job and activities. This summer, I've been able to do a lot of what I love in regards to music. For one thing (and probably the most exciting thing), I became a DJ for V89!! That is absolutely a dream come true. It's kinda crummy because I have to do the 2am-6am shift Thursday morning and stagger into work at 8am the same day. But it's totally worth it! I've also continued to volunteer with PR, so I've pretty much been to every jazz night this semester. And that has been especially wonderful, because I've danced my socks off with Dana De Greff at a couple of the jazz nights. Actually, my job hasn't really changed...but it may change at the end of July because Bonnie is retiring, and I think I will be moved to the back of the office to help Brian with Distance Learning. But Kelli said she would kick my ass if I was still working here when she got back to school in the fall...lol. Well, we'll see if I get a new job.

3) Friends. This summer's group of friends is very different from last summer, obviously (and unfortunately). But the group of friends that I have been spending time with is just as wonderful as what I had last summer. I've gotten to know people at Colleen Corner very well this past year, so I feel very blessed to be friends with them (Leah, Meredith, Christi, and until May, Lauren). I wish that I could've seen more of Kari, but she just recently left to study in Ireland. I've been getting to know Scott better, and hanging out with D1 at Campus View(Scott, Brian, Mike, and Josh) pretty often...I've also been hanging with Tim and Ana when I get the chance. The most recent and surprising addition to my friends has been Dana De Greff, who I think is so cool that I'm surprised she wants to be my friend! I knew her pretty well because of Lauren Stafford, but I had never really hung out with her on an individual basis. So we've been doing a few potlucks together, we went on a bike ride, danced at jazz night, and a few other things. This weekend we are taking a trip up to Asheville to go see Lauren! Dude, I'm sooo psyched because, a) I get to go on a road trip w Dana, b) I get to see Lauren, c) I get to see Chris, and d) I get to see Asheville (which I've never visited before)! I've done a few fun V89 things too, which have been great!

4) Heart.

squelching bitterness

So more drama has happened, and I think it is easy for me to wallow in self-pity and think about all the things that aren't working instead of being grateful for the things that are good. I think I will take a moment to thank God for the things that make me happy and the things that are good in my life.

Thank you, Most Merciful Father, for:

-a family that loves me
-living with the Pecks and having a second family
-Colleen Corner--all the lovely ladies that live there and love me
-dancing with Dana, Lauren, and Kirstin
-Krishna lunch
-the Coffee Pub
-being able to hang out with the scanners to do SPOT
-new friends
-InterVarsity Christian Fellowship
-Wednesday night cell group
-Monday night prayer group
-Four Oaks--music ministry, Sunday worship, fellowship group
-getting to play djembe for Kris Braun
-drinking tea with Kari and playing Rock Band with Josh and David
-good coffee and loose-leaf tea
-God's Word and wise people around me to help interpret it
-good officemates
-affectionate friends
-encouragers in my life: Becky, Leah, Carla, Scott, Tim, Ana, Steve, Karin, Claire, Emily
-fun banter with Steve on gmail chat
-people from which to glean spiritual wisdom: Lois, Scott, David, Maiken, Crispy (Christi), Leah, Paul Harlacher, Jacob, Lani, Renee, Chrissy, Carrie Campbell, Josh, Tim
-puns and Chrissy Brown's humor!
-friends who've sent me letters/postcards/emails
-people with a sweet spirit: Deni, Claire, Carrie Willis, Maiken, Meredith
-older friends that give me a more mature perspective on life
-MUSIC
-chocolate, especially gifts of chocolate
-a job that helps me pay the bills and covers medical expenses
-lots of positive influences in my life so that there's no need to focus on the negative ones
-the Landis ladies (despite the lack of contact)
-surprises
-acting crazy with Emily and Lauren

Lord, I could go on and on. Help me to have a heart that is thankful for the things You have given me, and take away the heart that is bitter about things You have taken away. I know that You work all things for the best because You love me. Lord give me moderation and self-control. Help me to love those things but to honor You above all. I praise You for making me the way I am, and I ask Your forgiveness for not always loving myself, which is Your creation. I praise You, Lord God. Amen.

Breakfast on the Road

Breakfast on the Road by Dr. Sandy Shugart

While I linger at the corner table
Savoring the last of the lukewarm coffee
Dark and sweet as the Miami night that
Only just surrendered to the morning
Feeling no great compulsion to any activity

My neighbor lands in a rush of readiness
Luggage, newspapers, all-American breakfast in hand
Half perched on the seat, ready to spring, at what signal?
He whips his oatmeal into alertness
Downs juice like a whiskey shot
Prowling the paper, shooting caffeine
Scanning the crowd, sizing up
The other predators
Stretching before the wilderness of work

Then he's gone
Almost before he could leave an impression
In the seat
Only crumbs and hastily paid bill remain
To track his passing

And I, still watching from my dish-cluttered blind
Eye the indifferent staff who wonder
When the table will turn

i'll never

i'll never make the mistake of posting something like that again.

picture posting

Ok, so I'm going to try something new. I'm going to post pictures on my blog and see how they turn out.

These are some of my favorite pictures. I didn't take them all--probably most of them are not mine. But I love them anyway.

Well, as I was testing it out, the first picture is of my brother at school at UNCG.

Hmm, that's interesting...it posted the second one down here. The picture on the right is of Chrissy Brown, drinking a tasty beverage somewhere in Colorado.

This picture here is one I actually took myself. The girl on the left is Lauren Stafford and the girl on the right is Kate Shugart. We were at Dandelion Café in Orlando, and they probably thought I was really weird for taking all these photos, but this is probably the best shot I've ever taken. There's a lot of love shown here.

This is a picture of me and my friend Ana at Chapter Camp. I just really like it because it really captures the joy in the moment and shows how much we love to dance!










This isn't the greatest quality picture, but it sure captures the essence of Fallon and Karissa. InterVarsity is the greatest, just so you know...I love it because everyone is a comedian!


This is a new friend of mine, Dana De Greff. She has her own style, and it makes her super cool. The person taking this picture called it "funky fresh". Good choice of description. This is at a Spoon concert we were at, and we danced like maniacs. Lauren and Lindsey were there, and we had the greatest time.


This one to the right here is of Debbie (back) and Amanda. These are two friends who I met my freshman year--Amanda in Marching Chiefs, and Deborah was her roommate. Our friend Mary took this. This picture really captures Debbie well, because she is always being teasingly provocative, and I love the way that the camera caught the double-take look that Amanda did. It shows a perfect profile of her face, which is neat.

Ok, so I didn't take this picture either (this is actually before I met her), but this is my friend Lois. I met her through Kate (who's actually in the background of this photo). She is such a great girl, very wise and caring. This captures well the happiness and joy that she gets out of life because she is a pretty cool gal.

This is the last picture I'll post for now. These are Jason and Morgan, two other people I met through Kate. This is a great shot because I like that they are a little bit out of focus. And this is the best setting for a picture for them, because they are all about nature and enjoying the outdoors.

broken

So it's amazing how different things can be after a few months. The Christian friends I was talking about at the beginning of this blog are still my friends, but not all of them. I mean, I still consider the one I'm having issues with my friend, but I'm not sure what she thinks. I basically screwed things up by getting too needy, too attached. And now she doesn't want to be around me. I am totally heartbroken.

I feel like I can change. I thought momentarily that things had gotten better. But I don't think my heart has changed yet, and she is right. I wish she weren't right. I wish that I had changed, that God is the center of my life and whether or not this relationship was working wouldn't matter. But I have a really difficult time thinking like that. I don't know if I can think outside of wanting this relationship to work! I want to not "care", just so I don't have to feel this way anymore. But it's like the total opposite pole of my identity--I care way too much and so not caring is something that does not come easily to me.

But I keep reminding myself of something that our mutual friend Lois said. She asked, "Are you willing to sacrifice this one relationship in order to glorify God to have healthy relationships?" And I thought about it momentarily, and said, "Yes." But am I really? I think I am. Not that it will be easy, but I do want to glorify God, and if I keep relating to her in this way I am not glorifying God. I want to think like God thinks, love like God loves. Lord, save me from my twisted self!

ruminations on obedience

So my friend Kate just got back from a mission trip in Oaxaca. God moved so much in her life...I kinda get misty just thinking about it. She said it was one of the best experiences of her life. She said that for perhaps the first time in her life, she really wants to seek God's will and live it out in her life. Although she was a Christian, I don't know if she's ever thought about truly living out God's will before. She said she prayed to God, probably more than she's ever prayed before, and she really felt like God was listening and responding. She said she finally asked Him what she should do after graduation in the spring, and she didn't think she had asked Him before. She said she doesn't know what she's going to do after graduation, but she said she felt like He was saying, "Keep asking." She had never really thought of the possibility of doing missions work after graduation, but now it's something she's praying about. And, best of all, she feels like a totally different person now. I loved Kate before, but I think her obedience to God's will should make her an even more lovable person. And that's when the conviction came.

I want that to be me. I haven't been very obedient to God lately. I think one evidence of me straying from God's will is my cursing a lot. I think I want that to change because I used to believe that it really hurt God's heart, and I don't know what made me change my mind about that. Also, there are other things that I think I've been doing that have been hurting God's heart. Although I don't really think people care to read this, I won't go into detail because I'm afraid to...but I have been going back to some old ways. I am going back to being a me that I didn't like. I am frustrated because I think I am doing it because I can't have someone else. Which is a whole other problem. I'm starting to love someone I can't love, someone who could never love me in the way I love them. But I do this all the time. I just have to make sure that I don't get hurt. I always get to the point where I would do anything for them, but they don't love me like that, so they wouldn't do the same. They do love me, but just not to the same magnitude. I just keep wondering what the heck I'm going to do with myself! I always end up in the same situation--I'm in a holding pattern.

Kate said that God told her He was going to break her heart. He's going to break my heart again, too. The last time I got in the holding pattern, my heart ached and I was almost despairing over the feelings I felt. If that happens to me again, I'll just want to curl up and die. I feel like I should start to distance myself a bit from this person, just so I don't get to the breaking point again.

God, I do want to do your will. I'm afraid to ask you to break my heart, because I know what that was like and it hurt so bad. I'm seeking others for comfort still, and I know that. God, help me to seek you. I want to be your daughter. Obedient daughter. Capture my heart. Make me new. I remember the vision I had of you, Jesus--you want me to be your bride. Wash me clean, Lord Jesus. What am I doing, spending all my time with people and not you? Will they be there with me when I have to stand before you? No. It will just be you and me. Right now, that thought is terrifying, when it should be glorious. Jesus, I want to make sure I'm being good to people, good to my body, good to the earth, because YOU want me to. Not because the people I love are that way. But I don't know how to BE. I have never been any other way. I think I am sincere in my love for people. But I want to do a better job because of how I love YOU. If I love You, then loving others will come so much more naturally. Change me. Mold me. Conform me to your will. Do I really have an identity in You? Or do I seek my identity in others? I want my identity to be in You, Christ. I talked about Joe not bowing, but what about me? Do I bow? Show me how to be like You, Lord Jesus.