squelching bitterness

So more drama has happened, and I think it is easy for me to wallow in self-pity and think about all the things that aren't working instead of being grateful for the things that are good. I think I will take a moment to thank God for the things that make me happy and the things that are good in my life.

Thank you, Most Merciful Father, for:

-a family that loves me
-living with the Pecks and having a second family
-Colleen Corner--all the lovely ladies that live there and love me
-dancing with Dana, Lauren, and Kirstin
-Krishna lunch
-the Coffee Pub
-being able to hang out with the scanners to do SPOT
-new friends
-InterVarsity Christian Fellowship
-Wednesday night cell group
-Monday night prayer group
-Four Oaks--music ministry, Sunday worship, fellowship group
-getting to play djembe for Kris Braun
-drinking tea with Kari and playing Rock Band with Josh and David
-good coffee and loose-leaf tea
-God's Word and wise people around me to help interpret it
-good officemates
-affectionate friends
-encouragers in my life: Becky, Leah, Carla, Scott, Tim, Ana, Steve, Karin, Claire, Emily
-fun banter with Steve on gmail chat
-people from which to glean spiritual wisdom: Lois, Scott, David, Maiken, Crispy (Christi), Leah, Paul Harlacher, Jacob, Lani, Renee, Chrissy, Carrie Campbell, Josh, Tim
-puns and Chrissy Brown's humor!
-friends who've sent me letters/postcards/emails
-people with a sweet spirit: Deni, Claire, Carrie Willis, Maiken, Meredith
-older friends that give me a more mature perspective on life
-MUSIC
-chocolate, especially gifts of chocolate
-a job that helps me pay the bills and covers medical expenses
-lots of positive influences in my life so that there's no need to focus on the negative ones
-the Landis ladies (despite the lack of contact)
-surprises
-acting crazy with Emily and Lauren

Lord, I could go on and on. Help me to have a heart that is thankful for the things You have given me, and take away the heart that is bitter about things You have taken away. I know that You work all things for the best because You love me. Lord give me moderation and self-control. Help me to love those things but to honor You above all. I praise You for making me the way I am, and I ask Your forgiveness for not always loving myself, which is Your creation. I praise You, Lord God. Amen.

Breakfast on the Road

Breakfast on the Road by Dr. Sandy Shugart

While I linger at the corner table
Savoring the last of the lukewarm coffee
Dark and sweet as the Miami night that
Only just surrendered to the morning
Feeling no great compulsion to any activity

My neighbor lands in a rush of readiness
Luggage, newspapers, all-American breakfast in hand
Half perched on the seat, ready to spring, at what signal?
He whips his oatmeal into alertness
Downs juice like a whiskey shot
Prowling the paper, shooting caffeine
Scanning the crowd, sizing up
The other predators
Stretching before the wilderness of work

Then he's gone
Almost before he could leave an impression
In the seat
Only crumbs and hastily paid bill remain
To track his passing

And I, still watching from my dish-cluttered blind
Eye the indifferent staff who wonder
When the table will turn

i'll never

i'll never make the mistake of posting something like that again.

picture posting

Ok, so I'm going to try something new. I'm going to post pictures on my blog and see how they turn out.

These are some of my favorite pictures. I didn't take them all--probably most of them are not mine. But I love them anyway.

Well, as I was testing it out, the first picture is of my brother at school at UNCG.

Hmm, that's interesting...it posted the second one down here. The picture on the right is of Chrissy Brown, drinking a tasty beverage somewhere in Colorado.

This picture here is one I actually took myself. The girl on the left is Lauren Stafford and the girl on the right is Kate Shugart. We were at Dandelion Café in Orlando, and they probably thought I was really weird for taking all these photos, but this is probably the best shot I've ever taken. There's a lot of love shown here.

This is a picture of me and my friend Ana at Chapter Camp. I just really like it because it really captures the joy in the moment and shows how much we love to dance!










This isn't the greatest quality picture, but it sure captures the essence of Fallon and Karissa. InterVarsity is the greatest, just so you know...I love it because everyone is a comedian!


This is a new friend of mine, Dana De Greff. She has her own style, and it makes her super cool. The person taking this picture called it "funky fresh". Good choice of description. This is at a Spoon concert we were at, and we danced like maniacs. Lauren and Lindsey were there, and we had the greatest time.


This one to the right here is of Debbie (back) and Amanda. These are two friends who I met my freshman year--Amanda in Marching Chiefs, and Deborah was her roommate. Our friend Mary took this. This picture really captures Debbie well, because she is always being teasingly provocative, and I love the way that the camera caught the double-take look that Amanda did. It shows a perfect profile of her face, which is neat.

Ok, so I didn't take this picture either (this is actually before I met her), but this is my friend Lois. I met her through Kate (who's actually in the background of this photo). She is such a great girl, very wise and caring. This captures well the happiness and joy that she gets out of life because she is a pretty cool gal.

This is the last picture I'll post for now. These are Jason and Morgan, two other people I met through Kate. This is a great shot because I like that they are a little bit out of focus. And this is the best setting for a picture for them, because they are all about nature and enjoying the outdoors.

broken

So it's amazing how different things can be after a few months. The Christian friends I was talking about at the beginning of this blog are still my friends, but not all of them. I mean, I still consider the one I'm having issues with my friend, but I'm not sure what she thinks. I basically screwed things up by getting too needy, too attached. And now she doesn't want to be around me. I am totally heartbroken.

I feel like I can change. I thought momentarily that things had gotten better. But I don't think my heart has changed yet, and she is right. I wish she weren't right. I wish that I had changed, that God is the center of my life and whether or not this relationship was working wouldn't matter. But I have a really difficult time thinking like that. I don't know if I can think outside of wanting this relationship to work! I want to not "care", just so I don't have to feel this way anymore. But it's like the total opposite pole of my identity--I care way too much and so not caring is something that does not come easily to me.

But I keep reminding myself of something that our mutual friend Lois said. She asked, "Are you willing to sacrifice this one relationship in order to glorify God to have healthy relationships?" And I thought about it momentarily, and said, "Yes." But am I really? I think I am. Not that it will be easy, but I do want to glorify God, and if I keep relating to her in this way I am not glorifying God. I want to think like God thinks, love like God loves. Lord, save me from my twisted self!

ruminations on obedience

So my friend Kate just got back from a mission trip in Oaxaca. God moved so much in her life...I kinda get misty just thinking about it. She said it was one of the best experiences of her life. She said that for perhaps the first time in her life, she really wants to seek God's will and live it out in her life. Although she was a Christian, I don't know if she's ever thought about truly living out God's will before. She said she prayed to God, probably more than she's ever prayed before, and she really felt like God was listening and responding. She said she finally asked Him what she should do after graduation in the spring, and she didn't think she had asked Him before. She said she doesn't know what she's going to do after graduation, but she said she felt like He was saying, "Keep asking." She had never really thought of the possibility of doing missions work after graduation, but now it's something she's praying about. And, best of all, she feels like a totally different person now. I loved Kate before, but I think her obedience to God's will should make her an even more lovable person. And that's when the conviction came.

I want that to be me. I haven't been very obedient to God lately. I think one evidence of me straying from God's will is my cursing a lot. I think I want that to change because I used to believe that it really hurt God's heart, and I don't know what made me change my mind about that. Also, there are other things that I think I've been doing that have been hurting God's heart. Although I don't really think people care to read this, I won't go into detail because I'm afraid to...but I have been going back to some old ways. I am going back to being a me that I didn't like. I am frustrated because I think I am doing it because I can't have someone else. Which is a whole other problem. I'm starting to love someone I can't love, someone who could never love me in the way I love them. But I do this all the time. I just have to make sure that I don't get hurt. I always get to the point where I would do anything for them, but they don't love me like that, so they wouldn't do the same. They do love me, but just not to the same magnitude. I just keep wondering what the heck I'm going to do with myself! I always end up in the same situation--I'm in a holding pattern.

Kate said that God told her He was going to break her heart. He's going to break my heart again, too. The last time I got in the holding pattern, my heart ached and I was almost despairing over the feelings I felt. If that happens to me again, I'll just want to curl up and die. I feel like I should start to distance myself a bit from this person, just so I don't get to the breaking point again.

God, I do want to do your will. I'm afraid to ask you to break my heart, because I know what that was like and it hurt so bad. I'm seeking others for comfort still, and I know that. God, help me to seek you. I want to be your daughter. Obedient daughter. Capture my heart. Make me new. I remember the vision I had of you, Jesus--you want me to be your bride. Wash me clean, Lord Jesus. What am I doing, spending all my time with people and not you? Will they be there with me when I have to stand before you? No. It will just be you and me. Right now, that thought is terrifying, when it should be glorious. Jesus, I want to make sure I'm being good to people, good to my body, good to the earth, because YOU want me to. Not because the people I love are that way. But I don't know how to BE. I have never been any other way. I think I am sincere in my love for people. But I want to do a better job because of how I love YOU. If I love You, then loving others will come so much more naturally. Change me. Mold me. Conform me to your will. Do I really have an identity in You? Or do I seek my identity in others? I want my identity to be in You, Christ. I talked about Joe not bowing, but what about me? Do I bow? Show me how to be like You, Lord Jesus.

narf part II

Crap. I always forget about this thing. But I know that no one reads it anyways.

Well, the conversation I had with Joe about Evolution vs. Christianity was very difficult. I don't think I brought it up, because I HATE confrontation. So, he just said a lot of crap and kept saying "I'm not trying to be a jerk, I'm just telling you the truth about what I think", but I think he WAS being a jerk because he knew what I believed (and, actually believed it himself at one point). He just kept saying that he thought Christianity was stupid, and that if there was a God out there, He was going to have to show Himself to him because he doesn't see any evidence that He's there.

Ya know what I think though? I think that he just wants to do whatever he wants to do; that he doesn't want to bow. I think that he doesn't want to believe that he needs a savior, that there is someone that he has to consider lord other than himself. He just wants to be lord of his own life. He has all these grandiose ideas about himself, he thinks he is doing great things and becoming really successful. But I think that his success will be fleeting because it is all about him and he doesn't care about others. And I think he has real trust issues, because we talked about what is said in the Bible about "eye for an eye, and tooth for a tooth", and I said, "But Jesus told us to take it to the next level and 'if your brother strikes you on the cheek, turn to him the other; and if he takes your cloak, do not refuse him your tunic,' etc." He then replied that he would never do that because "I will never let anyone hurt me again." Granted, he had a terrible childhood, and I can understand his sentiments. But it just seems like he has put a guard up that does not need to be there--he is paranoid of a threat that doesn't exist! No one is out to get him! I pray that he will be able to speak to his counselor and work through that mentality of "i will never be hurt again". Because unless you are a robot, people are going to hurt your feelings and take from you and lie to you. I guess I feel like I just don't matter that much in the whole scheme of things...so I don't feel like it is a good use of my time trying to make sure that no one will ever hurt me. If someone tries to hurt me, it's not like I won't put up a defense. But to be concerned all the time that "I must make sure that I will never be hurt again--no one will ever take advantage of me!" seems like it is just a waste of time and energy. I find my identity in Christ, and I don't need self-justification. Although I have to die to myself daily (oh, Lord help me to do this!), I die to my need to defend who I am and justify my actions. I pray that this would be true for me, always.